We're All Mad Here

I really haven’t written much.

I’m too busy pretending to be busy in my so-called-life.

I’m on Spring Break right now but I am so ready to get back to school.

I miss Mikey. 

We can control how we feel when other people do or say something to hurt us. We can shrug it off and keep walking. But when you hurt yourself emotionally or physically, you’re just fighting something deep within. You can’t get rid of it because it’s been a part of you for so long. If you cannot believe in you, who do you believe? Who can you trust? Sometimes we feel that, no matter the actions taken to disappoint someone else, the only person you’re really disappointing is the person that you are, your character and your soul. You can’t shrug off something that is forever engraved in your bones. We fear ourselves far too much. We hesitate to let go or to hold on. We are indecisive and not as adventurous as we could be. We are scared of being let down or letting someone else down. We are too afraid to take risks. Because we fear that if we stop trying to achieve perfection, we’ll fall apart. We’re structured and put together like robots. We have to be perfect. If we don’t approve of the things we think of or do, then we have to miss out on living. We can’t just let everything go and live life without worrying. How can I be so crazy as to think of such a thing? 

(Source: chasingheadlights)

Sometimes I feel like I dont talk about you enough.

Like I take you for granted even though I don’t mean to. I just get distracted with the things going on around me. You are so perfect to me. You’re my best friend and I wouldn’t trade you for the world. You give me hope in this life that I find so hectic. You’ve shown me love that I never thought I would find again. And as cliche as it sounds, I cannot help but to just love you more and more every day. Honestly, I don’t have the perfect and most unique or genuine words to say to you and I wish that I did. I wish I was that girl with that crazy imagination filled with creativity that is never ending but I’m pretty close to every other girl out there. We all want the same thing; love. And one that will last a lifetime and on. Doesn’t matter with who or with what, but we’re constantly reaching out for it, trying to grasp onto every little speck of it. No matter what. And I will hold on to you for as long as you want me to and even when you want nothing to do with me. Yes, I know, you tell me all the time that you’ll never get tired of me and that you’ll always have the same excitement for the sight of my face but to be honest, I feel that you will. Someday. Prove me wrong. But until then, I’ll have that mindset engraved deep within my bones. But I will never stop loving or adoring you and your being. I love every part of you. From the depths within your soul to the tips of your finger tips. From the very air that you breathe to the ends of the curls on your head. I will love you with all that I am until the end of forever. I love you Mikey. 

(Source: chasingheadlights)

I’m sorry that I didn’t want to hug and kiss you goodbye. It’s because I didn’t want you to see my eyes tear up because I know it’ll be another two and a half months until I see you again. It really sucks that my best friend and my love are so far away. Yeah, I get it, there are far bigger things in life that could or are worse than what I am going through right now but I am human, and I am entitled to the feeling of sadness. 

I had a lot of fun this weekend though, Mikey, going shopping and eating Frozen Yogurt! I loved being able to just hold your hand while walking around places. I love how, even though I hate it when you spend your money on me but you buy me stuff anyways. I feel too spoiled and you feel like it’s not enough. You’re crazy. You’re more than enough. I’m just glad you’re in my life. I can honestly say that I trust you with everything. My thoughts, my feelings, my secrets, and more. 

I can never get tired of you or your presence. Or hearing your voice. When I called you after you left, I couldn’t hold in the tears, I had to hang up. All these bad things were racing through my mind. What if you got into a car accident and left me here alone?So, I called you back to tell you that I love you. I miss you. I want you to turn around and come back. I don’t care if distance makes love stronger or that it’s a test of faithfulness and loyalty. I don’t want to have to worry about how life should be or play by the rules. Why do I have to follow the mindset that distance proves true love? I already know what it is, and it’s right in front of me, so why? Why do I have to pretend like I don’t miss you even after an hour because it’s considered “cheesy” or “cliche” or “stupid” to feel that way? Why can’t I say that I love you every five seconds just because it can become overused when some people don’t even say it enough? Why can’t I hug you or squeeze you in front of people? Because it’s too “mushy gushy”? I don’t care. I do what I want. I love how I want. Love shouldn’t have rules. You’re never guaranteed tomorrow so why worry? As “cheesy”, “cliche”, “stupid”, “dumb” as it may seem to the world, I will tell you countless times my love for you, I will hold you close to me as if it is our last moment in time together, I will miss you every time you’re not by my side and I won’t give a care at all. You are my best friend, my everything and my love. You mean more to me than any other person in this place. I love you, Mikey boy. And when I see you again, we’ll park on the top of that parking deck and watch the sunrise into another beautiful day. 

(Source: chasingheadlights)

(Source: chasingheadlights)